


I'm Sorry

by radlovejoy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Communication, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Nightmares, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Canon, chloe apologizes for shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 22:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11587842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radlovejoy/pseuds/radlovejoy
Summary: Chloe Valentine realized that she was not the nicest person in the world. She's trying to work on it.





	I'm Sorry

Chloe's Saturday started normally. The rest of it was normal as well. She went through the motions, got ready for the day, hung out with Brooke at the mall, then went home. She heated up some Spaghettio's and ate her meal while watching the cooking channel in her living room. She showered and got ready for bed, then read for a bit. It was an average day. 

The night, though, not so much. As soon as Chloe fell asleep, her dreams were plagued with nightmares. The dream started at her house. Brooke was over and was painting her nails. She was singing along with the music quietly playing. It was calm. 

All of a sudden, the music stopped and the world tilted. Chloe looked around, startled. When she cleared her throat to ask what was going on, Brooke lifted her gaze from her polish to glare at Chloe. 

"You know," Brooke said, her voice as brittle as knives, "people wouldn't hate you so much if you weren't a backstabbing bitch who never apologized."

Chloe's eyes widened, but when she opened her mouth to respond, the scenery around her changed, swirling her through her mind, depositing her at the auditorium. She looked around, shaken by Brooke's words and noticed Christine sitting on the stage, leisurely thumbing through her script. 

"Hey, uh, Christine."

At Chloe's words, the other froze and looked straight at her. She sneered, hopping off the stage to the floor, making her way towards her. 

"Maybe if you weren't so selfish and greedy others could accept you."

"I- what?" Chloe blinked. By then, Christine had reached her. She shoved her back and she fell through the floor like water. She desperately swam upwards and when she resurfaced, she noticed Jake practicing archery. 

"Not you, too," she whispered, feeling a pang in her chest. 

"Hey!" Jake grinned and Chloe felt her hopes rise. Then fall immediately when Jake opened his mouth again. "Why do you think we were on and off dating so often? I honestly couldn't stand you. You're a joke, Chlo."

Chloe felt resigned as her vision blurred, this time sending her to Rich. He was sitting on the curb outside the school, toying with a lighter. When the lighter wouldn't produce a flame, he threw it down at his feet, standing. He noticed Chloe and grimaced. 

"You spread gossip because you want to belong to something, but it isn't working. You're alone. You're-"

The rest of his sentence was cut off by Jenna, who appeared at his side, "Pathetic. You're actually going to peak in high school." Jenna was laughing at Chloe's stricken expression and took a step forward menacingly. 

Chloe jumped back, but right before her feet reconnected with the ground, it disappeared. She slid down through the inky blackness of her mind. The world suddenly bursted with color and she looked around to see Michael rolling a joint, his movements jerky. 

"It's honestly disgusting," he said conversationally. "To see the way you react to gay community. 'I love gay people,' my ass. Also, are you sure you're actually straight? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure the way you feel towards Brooke is a bit more than platonic. Are you positive that you don't have some internalized homophobia playing a role in your life?" Michael looked up when he finished rolling the paper. 

Chloe gaped, "I-" then was spun around by an invisible force. She steadied herself and looked down the hallway at school. She saw Jeremy closing his locker tiredly, and, when he caught sight of her, hunched his shoulders, staring at the ground. 

"Why do you think," he started softly, rubbing his arm, "I can't look at you? You ever wonder why I leave as soon as I can when we're in the same room? Why I freeze up when you brush past me? Why the mere thought of you," his breathing had picked up as he spoke, his hands shaking, "makes me panic?" 

Jeremy was quivering like a leaf, and he turned quickly, almost running out the door. Chloe reached out a hand, and when she stepped forward, she fell through the floor. Her arms pinwheeled, desperate to find a surface. Her fingertips just brushed the edge of something before she plummeted down. She was nearing the bottom of the pit of despair. 

When she was a few feet from the ground, she woke up. Chloe was gasping for breath, a mix of sweat and tears running down her face. She sat up slowly, trying to calm down, her mind racing. 

"Holy shit," she whispered. 

She needed to apologize. To everyone. 

<>

Chloe wanted to apologize to Brooke first. She was her closest friend, and the way she had been treating her- like she was lesser than- was terrible. After she had finished getting ready for the day, she pulled out her phone, texting the other. 

Me: Hey, do you want to hit up Pinkberry? I wanted to talk about some stuff..

Brookie <3: ya! ill be ready in 15, want me 2 pick u up ?

Me: Yeah, thanks. 

Chloe sighed, locking her phone. She brushed her hair back from her face, slumping in the chair she had been sitting at before she started texting her friend. 

Chloe's dream the night before had shaken her. She had recognized earlier that not all of her actions were okay, and that she needed to speak up for them. She wondered to herself when she had begun to act like she had. When she started treating others like garbage to make herself feel better. 

She sighed again, then grabbed her purse when she heard the honk of Brooke's car. She headed out the door and got into the car, buckling up quickly. 

Brooke had her music blasting, but when she saw the look on Chloe's face, she frowned, "What's up?"

Chloe inhaled, "I, uh, I want to talk to you about something, but I'd prefer to say it over fro-yo, if that's okay?"

Brooke hesitated, then nodded slowly as she backed out of the driveway. "Fro-yo makes everything better, anyway." Chloe smiled at Brooke's comment despite herself, turning the music back up. 

The ride to Pinkberry was awkward. The silence was punctured only by the radio. When they entered the building, they ordered and grabbed spoons. 

"I was wondering if we could talk in your car?" Chloe asked, nervous. 

"Um, yeah." Brooke walked forward when they put their yogurt on the counter, handing Chloe's to her. They left the building, and she shivered from the temperature different. The cold air conditioning was miles apart from the humid summer air. They got back into the car and Brooke started it, turning down the radio and facing the other.

"What's going on?" Brooke asked determinedly. 

"I want," she paused, "I wanted to apologize." 

"Apologize?" Brooke looked confused. 

"Yeah, I've been kind of a bitch and I wanted you to know that you mean so much to me. So, I'm sorry." Chloe sighed and looked at Brooke. She still looked confused. 

"It's okay? I think you've been acting fine. Like, I was angry at first over the whole Jeremy thing," she waved her hand, "but I've gotten over it."

Chloe frowned, "That's it, though! You shouldn't have to get over it! I never should've tried to get with your boyfriend because I was jealous! You deserve to be pissed!"

Brooke was starting to frown, too, "I was pissed, and now I'm not, Chlo. I forgive you. You have done some," she took a breath, "really fucked up things in the past, but you aren't that person anymore."

Chloe groaned, "I'm still that person, Brooke! I'm currently trying to not be that person! So I haven't succeeded yet!" She scrubbed a hand over her face, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry, for my actions. I've treated you terribly, and you didn't deserve it."

Brooke reached out a hand and rested it against her shoulder, "I forgive you. I understand everything that happened," she gestured vaguely, "and it's okay. You're trying to grow." 

"Thank you," Chloe whispered, tiredly. She didn't really deserve to be forgiven, but she was trying. 

"We good?" Brooke asked. 

"We are."

"Okay, let's eat our yogurt, then." Brooke said, taking a big spoonful of her food. Chloe did the same, feeling an odd stirring in her chest. 

<>

The next person she wanted to apologize to was Christine. It was after school on Monday, and Chloe had avoided everyone but Brooke all day. Chloe had noticed that Brooke's smiles had been brighter throughout the day. She had been biting her tongue whenever she felt a mean comment threaten to bubble up, and had actually felt a difference in the way she was feeling after school. She felt less angry than she normally did. She was trying, and she had hope that she would succeed in her endeavor. 

Chloe had walked into the auditorium slowly, flashbacks of her nightmare resurfacing. She frowned, staring at the floor. She continued walking, not looking to see who was in her path. She looked up and jumped when she saw Christine right in front of her, sitting in one of the seats, mumbling her lines to herself. 

Chloe cleared her throat, "Hey, Christine?"

She looked up in confusion, then her face cleared when she saw who it was, "Hey, Chloe! I missed you at lunch today."

"Yeah, I, uh. I wanted to talk to you."

"Well, you came to the right place," she shrugged, then patted the seat next to her. 

Chloe complied, sitting stiffly. She looked at her lap, twisting her hands together, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry." The look of confusion was back on Christine's face and she hurriedly explained, "I've recently realized that I'm not the nicest person? And I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. It was totally not cool to act all defensive when you tried befriending Jake, and when I," she frowned, "when I slept with him during the Halloween party. We weren't dating and it was really shitty of me to act like that, so I'm sorry."

Christine smiled softly, "I forgive you, Chloe."

She blinked, "Why?" 

"I realized that you had a crush on him, and even though he's his own person, you were still kinda his ex. And it was his choice as well to sleep with you. I wasn't really into him that much- I mean, it still sucked, but I forgive you."

"I-" Chloe took a shuddering breath, "Thank you." 

"You're welcome." Christine clapped her hands together, "If you have some time to spare, want to help me run my lines?" At Chloe's nod, she passed over the script for the spring musical. Chloe smiled. She still had a long way to go, but she felt as though she traveled little further onto the path of forgiveness. 

<>

Chloe was going to talk to Jake next. After running lines with Christine, Chloe left the auditorium and pulled out her phone. She pressed call and brought her phone to her ear. The phone rang a couple times before it was answered. 

"Hey!" Jake said, a bit breathless. 

"Hi, are you busy?" Chloe asked. 

"I mean, I just got out of swim practice, but I can change and meet you somewhere. Are you still at the school?"

"Yeah, I was helping Christine with her lines."

Jake hummed, "That's nice. Want to meet me at my car?"

Chloe nodded, then realized he couldn't see it, "Sure, see you."

"See ya!"

Chloe ended the call and left the school, heading towards Jake's car. She didn't have to wait long before she saw Jake leave the building as well. He grinned and unlocked the car; she slid in, buckling quickly. 

"So, what can I do for you?" Jake asked after setting his cane in the back seat. 

"I wanted to talk to you."

Jake raised an eyebrow as he backed up the car, "Oh? Sounds serious."

"Yeah. I wanted to apologize." At the end of her sentence, Jake had both eyebrows raised. She continued on, "I was a shitty friend to you. And a shitty girlfriend. I acted all possessive and gross and I'm sorry."

Jake was quiet for a bit, "It's alright. I was also a pretty shitty boyfriend." Chloe opened her mouth to speak but paused when he continued, "I was always at practice and I didn't spend enough time with you. And the on-off thing was confusing. I'm glad that we put that behind us and became friends. So, I forgive you. Can you forgive me?"

Chloe smiled, "Of course." She offered him a fist bump, which he gladly accepted. 

They shared a pleasant silence with Jake driving around aimlessly. The quiet was suddenly pierced by Jake's stomach growling. "Want to go get Sbarro's?"

Chloe nodded, her heart feeling a bit lighter. 

<>

It was before school on Tuesday, and Chloe was on a mission. She was searching for Rich, almost giving up when she finally saw him at his locker. 

"Rich!" She called. 

He looked up, smiling when he saw her, "Hey, Chloe, what's up?"

"I wanted to speak with you."

Rich rubbed his hands together, "Are you coming to me for relationship advice, 'cause what you gotta do is-"

"No! I'm not- that's not what I'm here for." Chloe sighed, looking down. 

Rich blinked, then leaned against the locker, "I'm all ears."

Chloe looked around. There was one other person at the end of the hall. It was early enough for some semblance of privacy. 

She took a deep breath, "I'm sorry for spreading rumors about you when the whole fire thing happened. It was an awful thing to do to someone who I consider a friend."

Rich ran a hand through his hair, "It's totally okay, man. After that happened, I realized who my true friends were. Everyone else left, and honestly fuck them. There was no information, so it's okay you got caught up in the moment."

Chloe fidgeted, "I'm still sorry."

Rich smiled wryly, "I still forgive you." Chloe smiled back and she felt peaceful. 

"By the way," he added, "do you have the chemistry homework?"

Chloe sighed, pulling it out, "Yeah." She handed it to him. 

"Thank you! You're a life saver!"

"You're welcome."

<>

Chloe entered study hall, sitting right next to Jenna, who was tweeting something. She barely lifted her eyes from the screen. 

"Hey, Jenna."

"What do you want to know?" She asked tiredly. 

"What?"

"Anna cheated on Blake with Kristin and-"

She held up her hands and gently cut Jenna off, "That's not why I'm here."

This caught her attention. She set down her phone, looking at Chloe, "Why, then?"

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I was an asshole. I distanced myself from you and only interacted with you if I wanted to hear gossip. I was a jerk and I was wondering if you'd like to be friends?"

"Friends?"

"Yes."

"With me?"

"Mmhm."

"Huh." Jenna thought for a second, then gave her a small smile, "I'd like that."

"Cool," Chloe grinned. There was a short pause, then, "What's your favorite color?"

"My favorite? I guess purple? What about you?"

"I'm more of a fan of blue, myself." 

Jenna nodded slowly, then asked, "What's your favorite animal?" This went back and forth during the entirety of the study hall. They were told to be quiet, so their conversation transferred to texting the questions and answers, grinning at each other when there was a really cool answer. Chloe sighed happily. 

<>

Her next apology was a bit harder. It wasn't technically to Michael, but to an entire community. It was now Wednesday, and Chloe had multiple revelations since her nightmare. She figured out she wasn't straight, and that was good, but at first, she wasn't sure what she was. It took awhile, but she found that she was comfortable with the term 'bisexual' in relation to herself. It was a bit exhilarating- labeling and acknowledging a previously ignored part of herself. 

It was also difficult, though. She googled what exactly internalized homophobia was and realized that it made a lot of sense. Her parents weren't the most accepting people, and she had followed their beliefs for most of her life. She knew it would take time to completely stop thinking certain things, but she had hope for the future. She waited until it was lunch to tell the others. She was nervous, but also kind of excited. 

"Hey, guys," Chloe said. She waited until everyone was paying attention to continue, "I've recently realized something that I wanted to share with you?" She shut her eyes briefly, "I'm bisexual."

The table immediately burst into noise. She was congratulated and hugged and she grinned. She quickly sobered and cleared her throat when she was released, "And I just wanted to say that I was sorry if I've said anything kinda homophobic? 'Cause I was trying to deny a part of myself for so long? And if I've said anything iffy, I apologize." She met each of their eyes and saw nothing but support. She tried to meet Jeremy's eyes, but he was looking down at the table. She stifled a frown and looked up as Rich shouted, "Bi Bros!" and tackled Chloe in a hug. She burst into laughter. She wasn't finished asking for forgiveness, but she allowed herself to enjoy the moment. 

<>

She was nervous. She was really nervous, but she had no right to be. She had texted Jeremy earlier, asking him to meet at the mall. He agreed, although a bit hesitantly, and he would be there in five minutes. 

She waited by the water fountain, wringing her hands. When she caught sight of him, she raised a hand in greeting. He nodded back, stopping a few feet away from her. 

"Want to find somewhere to sit?"

"I, uh, sure." Jeremy was looking down at the ground. He followed her to a bench. She noticed that he sat as far away as he could from her. 

Chloe swallowed, "I'm extremely sorry, Jeremy." She heard him inhale quickly and kept talking, "I never apologized for what happened at the party. I was drunk, and I was jealous of Brooke, and you, and it's not an excuse. I'm so sorry for invading your space and forcing you into that situation. I wish it never happened."

"So do I." He licked his lips and turned to face her. "I wish that night went differently in so many ways. But- it wasn't only you. The Squip was under control of me and I couldn't move, and sometimes I wonder what would've happened if you hadn't offered me your drink, or if Jake hadn't knocked. I would've been forced to comply, and I was so scared, Chloe. And then pretty much immediately afterwords, I called Michael a loser and, and, and," Jeremy gasped, hiccuping. He stopped, breathing in and out slowly, trying to calm down and covertly wipe his face. He looked miserable. Chloe's gut twisted sharply. 

"I'm so sorry," she breathed out. 

"Me, too. I've been trying to get over it, I mean, nothing happened, but I'm still terrified, you know?"

"Hey, I freaking sexually assaulted you. I was out of my mind, but that doesn't make it okay. You- you should maybe talk to someone about it, Jeremy."

"I- I know," he whispered. 

"Does anyone know?"

"No one except you."

"I think you should tell Michael."

He looked up from his lap, "What? I can't!"

"I'm not forcing you," she flinched at her word choice, "I think it would help to have someone you trust know. I really am sorry, Jeremy, and I understand if you'll never be comfortable around me, alright? Just say the word, and I'll distance myself."

Jeremy sighed, a terrible, ragged thing, "I don't- I don't want that. I want to try and be friends with you, I just need time." He was twisting the sleeve of his cardigan, "I may talk to Michael. And thank you. For apologizing."

Chloe smiled, "You're welcome." She stood up, giving him space, "Do you want to get something to eat, shop, or head out?"

"I could really go for some Chinese food, if I'm being honest."

Chloe laughed, then motioned for him to follow, "I know the best place!"

He gave her a small smile. They still had a long way to go until things were okay, but she was hoping that they could make it. She also hoped that she would be able to maintain her friendships and not revert to her old attitude. She knew that it would take time and practice, by she was willing to put in the correct amount of effort and then some.

**Author's Note:**

> So here's my first attempt at angsty stuff,, and if I handled any of the situations incorrectly, pls let me know! I wrote this last night instead of the second chapter of my show choir fic so that'll happen eventually. My tumblr is radlovejoy.


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